Women
Dealing With Domestic Abuse
We are tired of cases of people maiming, beating and subjecting to hunger, or all manner of hardship, people they are obligated to love and protect. Some cases appear so bizarre that one is forced to ask if the perpetrators were actually in the right frame of mind at the time of the act.
When people talk about domestic abuse,they often focus on domestic violence. Domestic abuse has to do with any attempt by one party in an intimate relationship, or marriage, to dominate and control the other. According to Dr Humphrey Amadi of ‘ Help Guide To Mental Health And Welness’, whether abuse or violence, the purpose is basically to gain and maintain total control over the other.
An abuser uses fear, guilt and intimidation to wear down a victim and keep same under control. While abuse remains no person’s portion, it occurs across all ages, ethnic backgrounds and all social levels as well as all sexes, especially verbal or emotional.
From threat and verbal assault, an abuse could escalate to violence. Physical injury poses the most obvious danger, this is worsened by the emotional and accompanying psychological consequences.
Abusive relationships do not only lead to anxiety and depression, it also destroys self worth, leaving victims lonely and helpless. Prof. Nkem Agbaso of the Department of Guidance and Counseling, University of Uyo, once declared that ‘ no one wishes to endure such kind of pain’.
For Dr. Nikki Williams, a psychologist, when a partner becomes unussually fearful of the other, to the point of feeling like walking on egg shell around him, constantly watching what to say or do in order to avoid being attacked, it is indicative of a relationship prone to abuse.
Dr Williams enjoins couples to look out for occasions when a party in a relationship begins to despise the dignity of a mate, to the point of exerting supremacy, and a feeling of self loathing, helplessness and desperation. It could also take the form of being afraid of one’s partner, avoiding certain topics for fears of annoying a partner. She warned.
According to the psychologist, being a victim or merely witnessing a scene of domestic abuse in childhood, can turn one aggressive in life. Such behavior could as well be learned while growing up in a family with abusive parents or relatives.
It is important to note that stress and aggression occasioned by economic problems, often lead to domestic violence. A high level of unemployment contributes to the point that people quarrel in families due to lack of basic needs.
Again, alcohol and narcotics have also been fingered as factors triggering domestic abuse. Most people who are addicted to the above hardly control their abusive instinct. Unfortunately, alcohol and other related drugs are wide spreading in Nigeria, a reason why domestic abuse and violence have become common.
Even where alcohol and other drugs are in short supply, some pockets of psychological disorder as a result of long period depression, could still produce violence. This is why it is important that people care about what family members or partners in relationship go through.
Excessive suspicion, distrust and jealousy cannot be exonerated from the catalysts of domestic abuse. Most break-ups in relationship today, are courtesy of it. Above all Dr. Williams warned that whoever wishes for a lasting happy relationship, must in addition to being wary of all so- outlined, guide against anger.
Dr. Angella Amadi, a psychologist, identified physical violence amongst couples in Nigeria as most worrisome. It includes beating, slapping, rape, murder, kicking, rejecting to eat, not willing to shoulder responsibilities, and denying partners sex at will. She also identified acid baths as a form of violence which has received a lot of attention in Nigeria. Sexual violence in Nigeria largely goes unreported because of the burden of proof necessary for conviction as well as social stigma it brings. The common loss of Women’s rights upon marriage in sub-Sahara Africa and the implicit obedience and deference towards men is socially encouraged in the society.
Dr. Angella stated that infertility is a serious problem as over 40 percent of women who visited her for counseling often complain bitterly about their husbands unruly behavior in relation to infertility. The perceptions of domestic violence varies based on religion, and class. The Tivs see wife battery as a sign of love “ that should be encouraged. She said: “if you are not yet beaten by your husband, then you do know the joy of marriage, meaning you are not yet married.” All the major ethnic groups in Nigeria have a strong patriarchal societal structures that lead to justification of domestic violence as inherent right of a husband. In her study in the nation’s capital Abuja, she explained that while domestic violence is a violation of fundamental human rights which the Nigerian constitution is against, there are still provisions that tend to legalise it. The provision of the Penal code application in the Northern part of Nigeria specifically encourages violence against women. Underneath its provisions, the beating of a wife for the purpose of correction is legal by the use of (section 55 (1) (d) of the penal code.
Dr. Martins Oyeyidah, a medical consultant proffers solutions to reduce domestic abuse and violence in Nigeria. “The first step to action is to familiarize individuals and the community with the possible signs and indicators of domestic violence.” These signs can vary and do always come with physical symptoms because domestic violence is not just limited to physical attacks such as beatings. Domestic abuse also affects every level and demography in society. So there is no typical victim despite the stereotypes. Someone who may not appear to be a victim of domestic violence may well be suffering in silence.
Nigerian women should rise to the occasion and support the home by engaging in activities that will bring productivity in the home. More than one-third of women and one in 10 men have experienced intimate partner violence in their life time, according to the National intimate partner and sexual violence survey.
Sometimes violence begins early in a relationship and other times it takes months or years to appear. It could be the jealous type, being jealous of your friends or time you spent outside.
“The lack of discussions of domestic issues creates a space in which an ostensibly socially unacceptable behaviour becomes allowable and even common place. Because conversations about domestic violence are off limit. Many women do not share abuse incidents with anyone. The taboo surrendering domestic violence discussion and accurate data reporting. It will be necessary to remove the stigma around domestic violence”, Dr Martins maintained.
He further suggested that this can be achieved through the creation of government -sponsored community programmes that directly address physical and psychological violence.
Mr. Frank Domino, a psychologist at a health Centre in Rumuigbo, Port Harcourt, observed social structure as the disparate status between men and women, as men have higher status in Nigeria than women. He stated that women should break out of traditionally engrained gender roles and expectations. With an increased sense of status, Nigerian women will no longer be bound to expected roles acquiescence. Given a voice, women will be able to challenge the established differences in status between men and women.
Igbe is a Freelancer in Port Harcourt.
Emeka Igbe
Looking good is some women’s business. Looking beautiful for some persons is more important than food. Some prefer to appear trendy instead of attending to household pressure.
Beauty they say is in the eye of the beholder. Every woman by creature is beautiful but some persons feel that the way they were created is not enough. They feel that perhaps the creator should have added more features to their physic.
Artificial beauty did not start today, it has been there as far as man exists. From time to time, there has been one form of additional make-up or the other that women especially, must add to their natural look.
When you look at some of our elders, especially women, you notice certain drills or symbols (tattoo) on their skins, mostly on their hands and legs, in form of designs with dark prints. That is a form of artificial beauty. These days, some young ones still use such to beautify themselves.
It is not only women that are involved in artificial beauty, some young men also have likeness for it. It is common nowadays to see younger male folks spend money to pierce their ears to wear earrings. They also style their hairs in various forms to appear like women so as to look more handsome. This no doubt costs them more money than being in their natural look.
Every generation grows with it’s own new systems, items, styles of artificial beauty. Before now, African women generally and Nigeria in particular had their hair in natural form.
As civilisation and westernisation continued, Nigerian women started copying, for instance, perming of their hair to look like the White women. They started using western-produced chemicals (relaxers) to make their hairs look sleepy and smoother.
Nigerian women used to plate their hair with black thread or go with their hair well cut at low level. In terms of weaving, it was without attachment. The issue of women weaving hair with attachment came with civilisation. That is also a form of make-up.
The quest for extra beauty aside the way women were created has been from one generation to another.
Two or three decades ago, ladies used mascaras to darken and thicken their eyelashes. But in this 21st century, another system has evolved. Fixing of artificial eyelashes has become the order of the day.
In that case, it becomes difficult for them to scratch their eyes Incase of any itches. Some of their eyes turn reddish because of the touch.
There was a lady who was fixing her eyelashes in a salon, unfortunately, she got a phone call that her mother was late, as she started crying, it was difficult for her to clean the tears that were flowing down her cheeks.
The reason was for fear of the eye lashes falling off while cleaning the tears off her eyes.
One funny thing about fixing of artificial eyelashes is that some persons cannot close their eyes properly. The beauty they have in mind before fixing is not really achieved as their look become something anybody cannot behold. Both the shape of their eyes and facial outlook automatically change. One begins to wonder if that is the beauty they are looking for. Instead of looking beautiful, the reverse becomes the case.
As years go by, artificial beauty becomes more sophisticated in the society. The price and cost for looking more beautiful than women were created naturally becomes higher than their natural look.
The cosmetic industry becomes one of the most viable industries worldwide because some women desire artificial beauty. Some engage in cosmetic surgery to alter any part of their body which does not give them pleasure especially the fatty parts. Some go for surgery to make their slacked breasts to return to their original shapes as well as those with big tummies.
It is interesting to note that currently, Nigerian ladies have started to give preference to their natural hair and this is attracting a lot of admiration for them. Many prefer that natural look with low cuts. With that, the cost of maintaining the hair by ladies is reduced.
I think this is commendable as it will save the women from the negative effect of chemical used in manufacturing hair relaxers.
It is also common to see ladies on low cut hairs that are either light complexion, red and other funny colours.
People have been addicted to artificial beauty to the extent that they insert certain substances into their bodies to make them become more robust and attractive to their admirers.
I don’t understand why we should be crazy about adding more to our natural look. Every woman wants to look attractive in a packaged manner without recognising the implications of artificial beauty and make-up.
In fact, women’s quest for beauty has taken different dimension as they tend to appear trendy at home, in offices and as they go about their businesses. That is just to feel belonged and achieve self-esteem.
I recall a few years back, my pastor who trained as an Engineer advised women against the use of lipstick. He said that one of the chemical components of lipstick is lead and that it is dangerous to humans. Many women may not understand the reality of what he said until it manifests.
I think those who are naturally beautiful should not go for artificial make-ups. They should be satisfied with the work of their creator. Women should not continue to paint their faces to look like masquerades and should not lose value due to artificial beauty.
It may interest you to know that persons who apply make-ups excessively are mocked instead of being admired. Make-ups can be applied lightly.
Fixing of nails is another business. After fixing nails, some women find it difficult to perform house cores. Washing their personal belongings becomes a problem. The artificial nails become so long and sophisticated to the extent that the bearer cannot handle objects properly. Those in that habit also find it difficult to eat food with the fingers.
There are people who feel they should have been born in certain colour but when the reverse is the case, they seek artificial make-up. Use of skin-toning cream and soap becomes the option for artificial beauty. This happens to the extent that the users start having dark spots on the skin. Blisters occur on their faces and legs.
Unfortunately, this is an era when there are different kinds of cancer affecting women especially. It becomes difficult to identify the kind of make-up that can be cancerous.
It is high time people had stopped following trend to the detriment of their health.
Ladies should not present themselves as laughing stock with unnecessary make-up as they can still be cherished in their natural outlook.
Eunice Choko – Kayode
Yearly, the girls are celebrated not just because they are girls, but because of their importance to families, society and the nation at large.
You will agree that when the girl-child comes into a family first, that family is blessed. The assistance she renders to the family can not be compared to that of the opposite sex.
The job she does in the home cuts across many duties. In the home, she takes care of her younger ones. She assists her mother in carrying out house chores. After her educational career and she obtains a job, she caters for her family even as she is married out. She takes care of her aged parents in her matrimonial home.
This same girl-child when given the right training and opportunities, will also train her offspring. Thus, “train a woman and you train a nation”. When women are at the helms of affairs, things are done better.
Celebrating the girl-child yearly is a call to parents, families, faith-based organisations, non-governmental organisations, governments at all levels, and all relevant organisations that have one or two things to do with the girls to continue to put in place policies that will enhance their well-being.
On a daily basis, the girl-child faces more challenges. Sometimes, she finds it difficult to resist dangers. The issue of rape, violence of any form, sexual harassment, intimidation, discrimination in families about who should go to school or not.
The Nigeria Association of Women Journalists (NAWOJ), Rivers State chapter, called on the government, the state and local assembly to enact laws that criminalise any act capable of impeding the education of the girl-child.
The association made the call as it joined the world to commemorate the International Day of the Girl-Child, in Port Harcourt, Friday.
NAWOJ also appealed to ministry of education and other relevant authorities to prevail against hawking during school hours, as well as call for an end to early girl-child marriage.
The state chairperson of the association, Susan Serekara-Nwikhana, who spoke in an interview with the press said: “We are calling on the Rivers State government, the Rivers State House of Assembly and the Local Assembly to enact laws that criminalise any act capable of impeding on the education of the girl child.
“We also want the government to throw her weight against any girl-child found hawking on the streets during school hours as this will serve as deterrent to any parent or ward that is nursing such idea.
“There is need for every girl-child to be properly educated as this impact generally on the society positively.”
Speaking on the 2024 theme which is, “Girls’ Vision For The Future”, NAWOJ chair stressed the need for parents to prioritise the education of their daughters.
She explained that quality education was key to an assured future for every girl-child, stressing that education unlocks doors of possibilities and the I-can spirit.
Her words: “Remember, you put an end to blind submission when you train the girl-child. Today, many girl-children have been abandoned and are left to pass through harrowing conditions that they never dreamt of due to lack of education.
“Do you know that the girl child suffer most as she is confronted with lots of challenges from the day she was born into a home; siblings rivalry on who should go to school and who should not, a decision that most parents take that negatively impedes on the girl-child and to the day she steps into her husband’s house, especially with a wicked mother-in-law or father-in-law.”
She noted that only those female children privileged to acquire quality education can surmount the challenges that confront them on their way to greatness.
“As we all know that the role of every woman in the society cannot be over-emphasised as such without education given to the gild-child, the society will raise dysfunctional women, who are abused, used and abandoned”, she emphasised.
The NAWOJ chair insisted: “When the girl-child is exposed to education, you have given her opportunity to endless possibilities, thereby putting an end to subjugation and blind subservient”.
As Rivers State joins the rest of the world to mark the 2024 International Day of the Girl-Child, a non-profit organisation, Multi Stakeholders Committee for the Prevention of Gender-Based Violence in Rivers State has called for policies to protect the girl- child against gender-based violence.
It also urged for massive investment in the development of the girl-child.
The group said this in a statement to mark the day.
According to the statement signed by the coordinator of the group, who is also the Head of the Public Defender, Rivers State, Evelyn Membere Asimiea, time has come for the society to stand together and ensure that no girl is left behind.
She also said the celebration which has as its theme, “Girls, Vision For The Future”, is a call to action not just to acknowledge the challenges girls face but to actively empower them.
According to the statement, as we join the global community to celebrate the International Day of the Girl-Child, we are reminded of the powerful potential of every girl and the urgent need to invest in their rights. This year’s theme, “Girls: Vision For The Future,” calls us to action not just to acknowledge the challenges girls face but to actively empower them as leaders of tomorrow.
Mrs Asimiea said time has come for stakeholders including government, civil society organisations, families and individuals to stand together and ensure that no girl is left behind.
“As Coordinator of the Multi-Stakeholders Committee for the Prevention of Gender-Based Violence and Head of the Office of the Public Defender, Rivers State, I wish to highlight that our girls are at the heart of building strong, safe, and prosperous communities. Yet, they are often the most vulnerable to violence, discrimination, and neglect. It is time for all of us—government, civil society, families, and individuals—to stand together and ensure that no girl is left behind”, the statement said.
She also called for massive investment in the girl- child, adding: “Investing in girls means ensuring they have access to quality education, healthcare, and equal opportunities.
“It means protecting them from all forms of gender-based violence (GBV), child marriage, and harmful traditional practices.
“When we invest in the safety, education, and empowerment of girls, we are investing in the future of our state and nation.”
It reiterated its commitment to continue to advocate for the right of the girl child, stressing that the group is working tirelessly to advocate for the rights of girls and the women.
“We are working tirelessly to advocate for the rights of girls and women, providing legal support to survivors of GBV, and pushing for stronger policies to prevent violence and protect their futures.
“But we cannot do it alone. We need every family, every community leader, and every citizen to take responsibility for the well-being of our girls.
“On this day, I urge you all to commit to creating a world where every girl feels safe, valued, and empowered to lead. Together, we can build a Rivers State where girls’ rights are protected, and their leadership flourishes, for the future of all of us”, the coordinator said.
As we mark this year’s girl-child day, women groups all over the world should as a matter of fact, continue to create awareness on the need to develop them in the right way so that they can showcase their potentials.
Eunice Choko-Kayode
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