Women
Coping With Difficult Mothers-In-Law
It is no longer strange hearing young single females declare in strong terms their dislike for mothers-in-law. Some had gone the extra mile to wish themselves the choice of motherless suitors.
Hence, potential suitors of these ones have to contend with the problem of either waiting for their mothers to die before they get their wives or hastening the death of their mothers, if they must marry such ladies.
Why on earth any sane lady would wish to be married to a motherless husband as a criterion for a happy marriage is yet to be established.
On the contrary, almost every mother wants to have grand children. This by implication means that mothers wish that their offsprings get married and raise grand children for them.
Will it therefore be fair to conclude that these mothers are just concerned about the children that would be raised and careless about the women through whom these children are to be raised?
If no, what then could account for the much ado about mothers-in-law?
Of late, divergent opinions give credence or rather evoke condemnations to the roles often played by most mothers-in-law.
In one home, the presence and words of a mother evoke some degree of honour and reverence and the daughters-in-law have no option than to align themselves to the already existing structure before their adoption as members.
In another, the reverse is the case, the mother-in-law’s presence is considered a nuisance that must not be tolerated if the family must forge ahead, a situation that leaves the sons (husbands) confused with little or no clue on how to solve the puzzle.
Researchers on marital issues have hinged the reasons for these variation in the concept of mother-in-lawship on individual differences, family background and clash of interest.
Mrs Nzokurum Mercy in her book: Marital Bliss: Actors and Factors (2010) writes that the woman by her nature is very jealous and possessive. When married, she wants to dominate her environment, possess her husband to herself, undermining the fact that her husband once enjoyed the care, love and protection of his family before her arrival.
According to Mercy, the mother-in-law who had dominated in her early years of marriage, struggles with much difficulty to understand and perhaps justify if possible why a “strange girl” (daughter-in-law) would come and change the atmosphere cases she had her son to her back and call.
This conflict of interest has caused men who are not emotionally, spiritually and physically mature to have friction with their parents, siblings nad even spouse.
For Majorie in Family Education, the regular and constant interference of her mother-in-law in her daily activities is unwanted and speaks volume of her (mother-in-law’s) lack of confidence in her (daughter-in-law) to take decision as an adult. “I can’t do anything without my mother-in-law second-guessing me, she sees me wearing a pink dress and tells me I would look thinner in black. I put a sweater on my son and she insists he needs his winter coat. If I cook with butter, she gives me a lecture about cholesterol. She is always telling me what to do. I’m nearly 40 years old and she treats me like I’m a child.” Majorie said.
Most young wives are obviously of the opinion that their mothers-in-law offer unsolicited advice on any and all cases including issues she is bereft of any experience, hence, they brand such “the know-it-all” mother-in-law. The feeling that they don’t respect the laws of time and space increases their dislike for them.
Aside the fact that a daughter-in-law could be a product of an entirely different family background from that of her husband’s, which is capable of stirring up some form of misunderstanding which only time and maturity can settle, individual differences has also been fingered as a major cause of mother-daughter-in-law dichotomy, as no two persons perceive things the same way.
However, where these two factors are easily managed, clash of interest had remained a major source of worry. The mother feels “He is my child, I made him what he is, hence I earn his loyalty while my control over him will know no limit”.
For the daughters-in-law “mum has had enough. It is time to handover and step aside for them to occupy”. Privacy is now needed and mum constitutes a third party which ofcourse may not be welcomed. What a tussle for supremacy and relevance?
My worry is that the mother-in-law of today was a daughter-in-law of yesterday, an experience that fully arms her with both the requirements of a daughtes-in-law and those of a mother-in-law with a view to achieving harmony in relationship could it now be said that their effort at trying to relate fine with their daughters-in-law had not yielded the desired result instead they are being misconstrued by those who should enjoy their overwhelming favour?
Mothers-in-law are accused of being highly assertive, refusing to recognise their sons and wives as a distinct entity from them. Some others are alleged to show love only to their sons while seeing their sons’ wives as rivals whose activities and successes must be checkmated at all times.
Daniel .J. Tomasulo writes in How to deal with Passive aggressive Mothers-in-law . “My relationship with my mothers-in-law is dragging me down. She routinely criticizes, slights and insults me. This is usually done in a sly enough manner that makes it hard to challenge her behaviour directly without feeling as though I’m over reacting …… I think she is jealous of no longer being the most important woman in her son’s life”.
The need to know why a mother-in-law acts the way she does will go a long way to instillsanity in a relationship.
However, while it is obvious that these mothers-in-law do not always know better than their daughters-in-law, in more instances than we might want to admit, their advice is solid, afterall they have had years of experience coping with the problems that face newly weds, settling financial matters, furnishing a home, allocating responsibilities fairly, applying heart to food. In addition they have often dealt with problems of marriage veterans; being the second wife, dealing with step-children and balancing a career and marriage.
Amidst the so-called ‘unsolicited’ advices, criticisms and probably “unnecessary” interference with family structure, same can still be discouraged without having a big confrontation. It is important to always strive to strike a compromise and this can be possible only when you bare your mind, regard and respect her as the queen of your Lord (husband) appreciate her numerous years ahead of you then tolerate her ignorance and accommodate your differences.
Sylvia ThankGod –Amadi
IVY-K Fashion by Igiebor Daddy Lucky, a Nigerian-born designer now based in the UK, has launched the latest menswear line, Dapper Man.
One of the collection’s strengths is its classic, clean aesthetic. Dapper Man delivers sharp, structured suits in a timeless black and white color scheme that exudes a sense of luxury and professionalism. The use of high-quality fabrics like wool and silk ensures that the suits not only look high-end but also feel luxurious to the wearer. The designer’s focus on detail is evident in the meticulous tailoring, with fitted blazers and crisp trousers forming the foundation of the collection.
Where IVY-K Fashion shines is in the subtle yet elegant touches. The inclusion of beads as embellishments on lapels and cuffs adds a unique flair, blending traditional craft with modern tailoring. This nod to African heritage gives the collection a distinct identity, offering something more personal and culturally significant than your standard menswear line.
However, despite the elegance of the Dapper Man collection, there is a lingering sense of missed opportunity. The black-and-white color palette, while classic, feels overly safe. In a fashion landscape where bold colors and daring patterns often make the strongest impact, the collection could benefit from incorporating more vibrant hues or experimenting with unconventional fabrics. Pushing the envelope with color or texture could elevate these designs from simply elegant to truly memorable.
In addition, while the tailoring of the blazers and trousers is immaculate, the collection lacks a sense of playfulness or modern edge that many contemporary menswear lines are embracing. The suits are undoubtedly stylish, but the collection as a whole leans heavily on tradition. Experimenting with asymmetrical cuts, bold patterns, or even layering could add an exciting dimension to Dapper Man. The challenge is to maintain the sleek sophistication of the collection while infusing it with a fresh, innovative spirit.
Another area that could use improvement is the overall cohesion of the collection. While the suits are well-crafted, there is a feeling of repetition across the pieces. More variation in design, such as different lapel styles, pocket configurations, or even bolder accessories, would give the collection greater diversity and visual interest.
In conclusion, Dapper Man by Igiebor Daddy Lucky showcases the designer’s strong grasp of classic tailoring and elegant design, but to truly capture the attention of a broader audience, IVY-K Fashion would benefit from more daring choices. By infusing the collection with bold colors, unexpected textures, and a more modern edge, Dapper Man could move from a well-crafted line to a trendsetting force in men’s fashion. With such a solid foundation, there’s no doubt that Igiebor Daddy Lucky has the potential to lead his brand toward greater heights
The trend of indecent dressing all in the name of fashion is fast becoming a norm in our generation and society at large. Most married women embrace this fashion as competition with single ladies.
Different scholars have given an in depth insight about dressing as a tool of communication. Non-verbal communication has been asserted as the communication between people by the means of signs or symbols. It conveys what we wish to disseminate to the public as either intentionally or not.
According to Paul Ekman and Michael Argyle, communication is carried out through what has been classified as “Presentational Code”. He listed nine codes of non-verbal communication, as body contact, facial expression, gestures, postures, eye movement, proximity, orientation, head nods and appearance.
This, being stated, married and single ladies should understand that their mode of dressing is communicative be it directly or indirectly as such body parts we call “private” are now being made public because of the trends or wearing of transparent dresses and this in turn calls on the attention of men who are weak and prone to illicit thoughts thus, resulting to most rape cases in our society.
This indecent dressing by most ladies has denied many their future husbands. The truth is that a man is attracted to his kind; his desires in marriage. It is often asserted that decency and beauty are in the eyes of the beholder, yet, in trending times of this 21st century, dress code and fashion in nudity form is gaining popularity.
This has become complicated as most men tend to toggle between their emotions (lust) and sanity (rationality) in terms of marriage, thereby setting a wrong foundation upon which most marriages are consummated.
On the other hand, most married women have embraced the trend of indecent dressing nipping it on the state of it being the choice dressing, approved by their spouses, leaving society with the question of what “responsible” man would prefer that the secrecy of the benefit of his marital vow has become the centre of attraction and viewership by the general public.
Hence, communicating with their dressing gas given licence to every male gender who is interested or attracted to what they see to make unsolicited sexual passes at them, which might be considered embarrassing.
At this juncture, it is important to state that ladies should dress decently knowing that they are the epitome of nation-building, they are nation-builders, character moulders and pacesetters not just in the lives of their families but to the society at large.
In most occasions, there are no clear border lines between the married women and the single ladies because of the rate of scanty dressing which has close the gap of differences.
Women and girls should embrace this call awakening to decent mode of dressing. Dresses that are meant to be worn indoors should remain indoors.
It is worrisome to see ladies wear shorts that are supposed to be worn in the living room on the streets without shame. This is an awakening call to our ladies, married and singles that the opposite sex do not expose their private body parts for the public. Sometimes, the ladies go about in the streets without wearing brazziers as to showcase their nipples.
The society should be sanitised of the menace of indecent dressing that is lurking and taking over the entire nooks and crannies of the society and the nation at large.
Let it be known that he or she is addressed in the manner he or she is dressed. There may be no room for a second impression. To the single ladies, your dressing decently will not stop you from meeting your Mr Right rather, it will increase your stake and place you on the list of most valued women in the society.
Dressing speaks louder than words.
Kate Chisom Isiocha
Isiocha is an OND final year student of Temple Gate Polytechnic.
