Arts/Literary
Unheard Voice Of The Teens (II)
The last time, I talked about how parents end their kids’ dreams by forcing a particular career on them. Well, this time I am here to talk about parental relationship and communication. You, as a parent, do you know your child? And you as a child, do you know your parents?
50 per cent of teens do not know their parents well enough and that creates a little inner hatred for their parents because, they don’t know them enough to understand their decisions and actions. 65 per cent of our parents do not know their children also, which caused a lot of misunderstanding and havoc in our homes. The teenagers need to be drawn closer to their parents especially their mom or preferably, both. Why did I mention mum first? Well, that’s because most of us see our fathers as very strict, tough and like some would say, “No Go Area”. I said mum because I feel like our mum will be able to get us more than our dad.
Yes, a father is meant to be strict and hard on a child so that they can sit up or should I say buckle up, but then again it’s also good for them to draw us back and try to communicate well with us. I feel that a father who communicates well with his child, will get the chance to know the child better. Because of the harsh treatment most parents show up or put out, most teens have found it really hard to be open to their parents. Our parents are supposed to be our best buddy or best friends, especially our mum. I’m not saying a dad can’t be our best friend too but for me, I think mums would make a better best friend. But these days, neither mum nor dad makes a good or better best friend and it’s very bad. For instance, in “Sweet Sixteen”, Aliya was close to her dad more than her mum. She was close to her dad in the sense that she could tell him anything, whether good or bad, without getting a bad reaction from him. That is the kind of relationship most kids want with their parents. But in most homes, it’s impossible because the moment you tell them you get shoved off or get scolded. In most homes too, the parents are a way too busy for some chit-chat.
I wouldn’t say only the girl gender needs that kind of relationship, because, the boy child also faces difficulties and they also need to pour out their heart to someone and also get advices in return. They also need to be put on the right track. Parents shouldn’t expect them to figure out everything themselves because they are male children. It doesn’t make sense. I see communication as a way of getting to know about your child’s daily activities and welfare. I see communication or parental relationships as a chance of knowing how the child feels. I mean, it’s such a lovely thing and it helps build a home.
Communication or parental relationship isn’t just something you build anytime especially at an older stage of a child’s life for example, at the age of 12 or 13. It is something you build or start at an early stage of a child’s life. Some parents may feel like they know their child too well but what they don’t know is that their children can put on a façade. Some kids are like blank pages on the outer side. They let you see what they want you to see and hide what they don’t want you to see. I mean, why will some kids hide some things and emotions from their parents? Is it that they don’t trust them? Well, I feel the answer is No they don’t. I mean, you failed as a parent to bring them close and communicate with them, so why should they trust you enough to open up to you? By communicating, I don’t mean asking them how was class? How is everything going? How they are and all those random questions. I mean heart to heart conversation. The type where you push your parental features aside and act like a best friend or childhood friend.
You can’t put up a parental feature and expect a child to be open. You can’t tell us to tell you things because you’re our parents and you have the right to know. No, it doesn’t work that way and you also don’t expect us to spill anything that way. At this communication stage, we don’t want our parents, we want our age mate. No seriousness, no scolding, just all attentive, contribution, advices and calmness. In our african homes, dating is prohibited. At an early stage our parents tell we, the girls, how bad it is to date a guy because it’ll ruin us and our future or we might derail from our path. Honestly, I feel it’s not to just sit the child for three hours to five hours talking and advising a child about sex and dating because if there’s lack of communication skill between them, they’ll still do it at your back. Well, I’m not saying all children are that stubborn or I’m not saying all children/teens do not adhere to this “No dating” rule. I’m just saying communication is very very important. It’ll help the mother a lot to know what the child is up to and also the reason. Sometimes, I wonder if our African parents aren’t jealous of how close the American child and their mum are. Or don’t our African parents crave for that kind of closeness or relationship?
Also, I don’t see the need for house prisoning or over protectiveness because I’ve seen cases or situations where the over protected ones are the ones who mess up the most. Some don’t mess up or misbehave because they want to. They do it because of peer group influence. And by the way, you can’t lock or monitor a child’s movement forever. I mean, they go to school and you are not in school, so anything can happen. There have also been cases where students fall easy from school. There have also been cases of a pastor’s daughter getting pregnant. If you watch well, these are over protected children. Isn’t it surprising? I mean, after all the strict training and over protectiveness? How come?
There are children that are so hard to please. Children that are never contented. You buy them almost everything and also give them almost everything yet, they don’t get satisfied. Yet people can still get them with other things. Yes, we have children like that. There have been situations where the ones you give almost everything to, still goes out. For instance, the book “Precious Little Darlings” their parents pampered them to nonsense because they were the only children they had after their many years of childlessness. They gave them everything a growing child need, they were treated like royalties yet they still decided to become useless.
To be contd.
Peer group influence and over pampering spoiled them. Not being contented with what they have, put them into trouble. Because, I see no reason why a child who can get anything they want will still decide to be foolish. To we, the readers, it was over pampering but to the parents, they were trying to make life comfortable and contented for them
Too much of everything is bad though. Too much strictness, over pampering, over protectiveness etc. Is bad. There is also time for everything. Time to be serious, time to be strict, time to play and so on. As a growing child, we deserve lots of parental attention and communication.
Before I drop my pen, I’ll love to address the matter of parents leaving their child with neighbors. Especially those parents with one child. It is very bad and dangerous. Why? Because, those children will eventually pick out the bad and wrong things. Children tend to learn the wrong things first and fast. Also, they could be harmed or abused but you’ll never know. Most kids are very secretive and quiet, especially when threatened by their abusers. So please and please do not leave your kids with your neighbors. No matter how you trust them. And please parents should try so hard to build a parental relationship with their kids. It is very very important. You’ll see the beauty of it when you do it. Most of the teens crave for it but can’t get it because it’s too late while some of teen are very lucky to have listening parents. So please my advice to our lovely parents out there, is for them to create time for us and draw us close. We appreciate all your efforts and we love you. And my advice for my great teens out there, is for them to try and get closer to their parents so as to get to know them better. You’ll eventually find out that they aren’t as bad as you see them and whatever they do is for your good.
These are just how we teens feel and see things. Low-key teens want them but lack the courage to ask
By: Cherie Akwu
It is the idea of God that family should exit. Children form part of the family. God loves family so much that Jesus was born into the family of Joseph.
Everyone’s family is good and important. Children should not look down on their family whether they are rich or poor.
Children should respect and honour their family and foster love among their siblings. They should work together and make peace in the family. They should always stand in the gap. It is good for family members to carry all along since everyone may not be doing well.
The Christianity that children learn is practised in family. Faith-based organisations do a great job in moulding children’s character. Those are the behaviours that children exhibit towards siblings in family.
Every child born in a family is there for a purpose. A baby born into a family is supplying something. It may be joy, wealth and so on. Everyone is important in a family.
Adolescents who have graduated from school but may not be contributing financially can do one or two things at home. You can engage in preparing meals at home while parents are away for a job or business. Contributing in house chores will go a long way to relieve parents of stress after a day’s job.
What do you contribute to your family, especially during holidays both in nuclear and extended family?
The family you were born is constant but friends are temporary. You can decide not to continue in friendship but you cannot cut off your family. No matter how bad you think your family is and you decide to leave home, you must surely return. Your friends can harbour you for a while.
The child’s first identity comes from the family. What the child learns first comes from the family.
Family is the centre of love and care. People have started playing down on marriage because of neglect on basics of family. Marriage starts today and and the next few months, it is threatened. Respect for family plays a crucial role in marriage.
No child grows without parental control and influence. If a child refuses to grow without taking instructions from parents, he may grow up being wild. There are consequences when children do not obey their parents. There are those who want to be rebellious against their parents. They should know that their length of days are tied to their parents.
Your bioligical parents know you more than every other person. There is the wisdom and knowledge your parents have that you do not so it is proper to listen to them before choosing carriers both in academics and job. A young man or woman can choose who to get married to, but a greater role in the choice of who to marry and the marriage proper comes from the parents.
They know what is best for you. No matter how modern trends will influence you and prove it wrong, parent is the key. No one can love you more than your parents because they are your blood.
A lot of parents have been traumatised due to the fact that children they nurtured and trained turned their back on them at older age. Children should not abandon their parents for any reason.
As you grow up, situations may arise in marriage when you decide it is over with your spouse, but no matter the level of provocation with your parents, they will not despise you. Parents will also play a role in that regard. Problem arises in every family but how it is handled matters a lot.
Some children honour their mentors more than their parents. Although there are parents who shy away from their responsibilities. It is important that parents take full responsibility of their children. You cannot bring a child to the planet earth and refuse to perform roles as a parent. But parents may not quantify what they spent from childhood to adolescence. That is a blessing children cannot get from another person.
There are people who have attributed their failure in life to the fact that their parents, especially mothers are witchcraft. It is wrong to feel that your mother is instrumental to your failure in life. The only way to success is hardwork.
Let money not determine the level of love for your parents. Wherever a child goes, family is constant.
Eunice Choko-Kayode
Naturally, when a child is born, it is the role of the father and mother to decide a suitable name for the child. The husband and wife normally discuss and suggest the English or vernacular name of the baby.
But sometimes, when a baby comes into a family, grandparents hearts are usually filled with joy to the extent that they want to answer present, by giving their own names not minding the fact that the biological parents have given theirs.
This happens mostly when the marriage is an inter-tribal one. It also happens even in intra-tribal marriage. Grandparents want equal representation as far as naming a child is concerned. They also have special names as a result of circumstances surrounding the birth of the child.
This is still happening till date.
A lot of people have viewed this in different ways but there is nothing wrong about it. The most important thing is that the child bears as many names as he or she can. But one thing is certain, the child must bear one name in school.
Should circumstance determine a child’s name?
Women who are more emotional are always eager to name their children considering the circumstances surrounding the child’s conception and arrival.
The issue of grandparents naming a child comes up mostly when it is the first of the family.
In naming children by some parents in the olden days, they named their children according to the days in the week in which they were born, like Sunday, Monday, Friday and so on.
You may be shocked to hear that whether a child is given 10 names by parents or grandparents, when he or she grows up, will decide to change. There are several cases where some persons decided to change especially when they feel that the names given by their parents and grandparents do not give them joy. If they are not doing well in life, they may claim that their misfortune is caused by the name their parents.
Competition among children in schools be it primary, (kindergarten) and secondary come in different forms. It can be Mathematics , debate, quiz, spelling bee,competition, from organisations like Cowbell, multi-national companies, faith-based organisations among others.
They are organised mostly for selected intelligent ones, the best among their peers to represent a class, school or group. Prizes are normally set aside for the best as well as consolation prizes for runners-up at the end of each session.
The question is, are children willing to accept defeat when they fail? As parents, guardians, can you encourage your children or wards to accept defeat instead of shouting and comparing them with others who may be performing better either in schools or outside.
Some parents may be blaming their children for not doing well in competitions. They will like to tell their children if others who may perform better have ten heads. Those group of parents blame their children for every failure.
For your children to do better in competition, the parents too must have emotional intelligence. When you continue to blame your children for failure, how intelligent are you?
Some parents always want their children to be in the 1st position and unhappy whenever they secure 2nd position. There were instances where children smashed their trophies because they never got the position they wanted to get and their parents supported them.
Children should be able to accept it whether they win or not. They should be encouraged for every performance. Discourage the issue of “shame, shame, shame, shame”.
A parent says she always tells her children to win even if they will fail. Always give them the mentality that they can win. Children should be given the impression that they can win prizes and laurels in every competition.
Parents should not isolate their children from others in the neighbourhood. Allow them to play with others. Don’t threaten your children that you may not pay their schools fees if they fail. Comparing them with others may encourage or discourage them.
Coming first or getting award as a first class student from the university sometimes does not mean that the person is the best. And if the child does not merit any award in the lower classes, does not mean that he can not merit first class also.
It should be noted that coming first in academic competition may not really mean that the competitor will be the best at work place or business.
Accepting defeat is a way to move higher. Even if a child who competed with others did not come first, there are consolation prizes for runners-up. When you advise the child to accept defeat, you are encouraging her to win in next competition.
Remember all children cannot be on the same knowledge level Their learning abilities defer.
Eunice Choko-Kayode